Wednesday, April 6

How to Get Your Old Boyfriend Back - It's NOT About Sweat and Tears

As I sat here snowed in last night, being a Saturday night, knowing my friends were out on the town having fun without me, I felt secure knowing that I am in a good place right now.

I knew there would be another fun night out, and I knew I would see those same friends again in due time. I was thankful that I wasn't experiencing the pain of wanting to be with someone that didn't want to be with me.

I knew that it was better sitting there single than gasping for air at how much I wanted someone so bad. Like my ex.

Years ago when I had died inside pining over him, guilt occupying my mind, longing taking over my soul, I never thought I would ever be at peace with myself.

I remember when he came back to town after months of not seeing him, seeing as he broke up with me while he was working out of town.
I tried to act all cool and collected when we went out for drinks, pretending to 'enjoy' his photographs of his life he created working on the cruise ship. All the while, I was trying to catch glimpses of girls in the photos, adding them to my monologue of despair.

I somehow 'convinced' him to stop by my house to hang out. I knew my intentions were to try and build up his desire for me again. I wanted nothing more than to reconnect. I was yearning for him..for months.
We were lying on the couch, in a semi-cuddle state. He couldn't have felt further away emotionally, though his body was touching me physically.

I have no idea what we talked about, not just because it's been many years later, but I don't think I would have recalled the convo any better back then.

All I remember was surely the most heart-wrenching line someone I desperately wanted to care for me ever said to me.

"Don't you want to be with someone that wants to be with you?"

Socked in the gut.

And it was exactly like that. No more, no less. Like a slap to the face, but in words. Horrified. Petrified. I shot back.

"Ya, you don't deserve me."

I felt good saying that. I felt like I was stinging him just the same. He probably was wondering what the heck he was doing at my place anyway. Probably right around the time he wanted to leave.

I made love to him. He slept with me. But not before I BEGGED him to be close. He had already called the cab. He was downstairs. I was upstairs. Begging. him. to. stay.

If I could get any kind of physical closeness, I would feel less rejected by this man I grew to love so much. I knew he wasn't the type to just use someone for sex. So I knew giving himself up in this way would have been special for him, for us, right?

Ya, well, he sort of stayed over. He ran out early morning saying he had to catch a flight out. I knew he had a flight. I wanted to escort him to the airport. He wanted none of that.

I lied there in stillness. I felt empty. All still wasn't right with the world.
I felt a bit gleeful that I 'conquered' him, as If I had never bedded him before. If I couldn't have done it with my sex appeal, or elusiveness, or charisma, then the desperation worked well. Yuck. Embarrassing.

Oh well, I thought. I knew I would have felt worse if he had left without sleeping with me. And to this day, I knew it was the right thing to do at the time. He wasn't leading me on by any means.

If anything, right when we were about to be intimate, he had asked, "What does this mean to you?"

I confidently replied, "Nothing".

Ya, that's it. I was thinking "I loooooovvvveeee you, I must have you, I need you, I want you...."

"Nothing" is what I spat out as if I was positive that's what he wanted to hear.

Then of course for days and even months after, I was regretting that I wasn't honest with him.

"Nothing?" Come on.

Why didn't I just tell him what he meant for me all those months he was away working out of the country. Maybe he didn't know.

And that was the problem. I always feared being honest with myself with this man 'cause then that would require me being honest with him.

As long as I could say one thing, but mean another, I could 'preserve' the upkeep of the relationship. And this must have been my total thought pattern during our 2-year relationship.

But, I failed myself.

Not 'cause I lost him. I'm over him now, many a year later. But, because I lost myself.

Eventually I got over helping him find his way back. What was more important is that I never got lost again.

I learned a valuable lesson during that whole tumultuous time in my life.

Always be honest with yourself, always.

If I told him how much he meant to me and that I couldn't bare not being able to see him, touch him, or hold him while he was away for 6-months...

Then maybe he wouldn't have chosen to leave me for all those months (which felt like eternity then). Maybe our relationship would have taken a different course. He could have stayed. Would have stayed.

Maybe he left for his work trip 'cause I didn't FULLY open up. I played the test game. This is where I don't tell him how I honestly feel to test his true emotions for me. If he comes back from his experience early, then he really cares for me. If he stays for the full 6-months, well then...

My thinking was ludicrous. Who knew at the time? I didn't. Maybe he wanted to hear from ME how badly I wanted/needed/desired him??

At least if I opened up and TOLD him how I felt, I wouldn't have had guilt. 'Cause that would have been me being true to myself.

And if he didn't step up and deliver, then I could have been at peace with myself knowing that I was true to myself.
You should never have guilt for giving love.

If he didn't appreciate it, then I could have walked away much easier. (Instead of being thrown out.)

Don't allow fear of rejection to hold you back in love.

Being true to yourself is an attractive quality. Knowing what you expect and deserve, and being able to ask for this is what men need from us.

Confidence in knowing you are worthy is what attracts men to us, keeps them interested, and brings them back after a break-up.

It's not about ultimatums, or guilt-trips, or jealousy, or any of those win-lose emotions.

You simply ask for what you want and need.

Either he steps up. Or he doesn't.

At least this way, you'll never lose yourself. And this is truly what matters most in winning your boyfriend back.


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